I have this habit of playing scenarios in my head. These include me expressing all of thoughts in my heart and head about a given situation to a person, or people, that are involved. It could be of pure enjoyment and appreciation, or of anger, frustration, or pain. Whatever I am truly feeling at the time, it plays within the confines of my imagination and I have to say that those play out far better than the reality of any said situation.
Recollecting over the numerous events that have happened in the past year and how they’ve all internally affected me has shown me how I desire to have a different outcome than the one I have in my lap. I met up with a gal from church and we spent a couple of hours just catching up on how our years have been. After explaining to her everything that had happened to me, she was astounded and expressed how complicated these situations were. I was shocked, because I didn’t think anyone would ever understand me. I kind of ‘pride’ myself in people not completely getting how my mind works, so that was a shocker. How do you deal with someone cutting you out of their lives when you’ve made a mistake in understandings, and you weren’t even given a second chance? How do you deal with those who were so close and then, in an instant, lost your trust and have changed the level of the connection between the few of you? How do you deal with a close friend completely changing her life choices and then treats you differently for having had said similar before choices? How do you deal with someone so dear stealing from your family? I don’t know how to deal with these situations. Forgiveness on my end hasn’t been an easy route, but I am learning of the importance of forgiving others for my behalf. I am pretty sure I am worrying far too much about the what-if’s of these circumstances I am in, but I don’t want to accuse anyone of anything. I don’t want to push anger towards these people, who in some way haven’t treated me right. I don’t want to dwell upon these, but out of habit, I find myself doing it constantly. People and the relationships I have with them seem to be the vice that I want to see as a virtue. I can only hope that God will take these and let me see the positive aspect of these occurrences. That somewhere, deep down in the depths of this internal despair and struggle, I will find the light of day and be able to truly smile at my life and all that is in it. I find the joy of the life that he has given me. I am bombarded by all this world is offering, what my sinful flesh is begging for, what the Angel of deceptive light ushers me toward. Each day is a struggle. The loving part is much easier than the reverse of it. My older sister seems to have that side in check. She’s a black to white person where I am a more grey kind of person. I am a complicated mess. It’s just that simple, and I am seeing the longer I contain these thoughts, the deeper they dwell, fester, and become something far more ugly than they were at first. I don’t want to have these ugly emotions deep within me. I want just love people and still be able to hold my convictions high. I desire that people understand and respect me for my decisions and choices I want to make in my life. I’ll do the same for you, even if I don’t agree with them. I am not your mother, and as much as I disagree with something, I want to love you despite of that. You are too important for petty arguments of politic stance we have. It’s that simple. Yah values you so much. I don’t care about your stance, if you are going to shove it down my throat. Just out of honesty. So, yeah. End debunk of thoughts. That is all. :). Blessings if you spent the time to read through this.